I went and bought the tickets to go home, planned it as a total surprise, and carried it out.
I never had any real intention of heading home for the holidays - the tickets are usually so expensive and i didn't want to have to put my 2 yr old son through the hassle of a 30 hour travel ordeal. But a greater purpose was calling me to go. Actually two. The greatest purpose was my son. He needed to know his extensive family that lived in a little hamlet in Texas. Well, most of them. He needed to feel their healing love and unconditional acceptance, the fun and revelry - free of judgement and pressure. Basically he just needed the space to be a kid - and with people who love kids, and love being kid-like.
The second reason was... well, for me. I had been feeling like a wounded and battered automaton. I had stood up for myself and the integrity of my family from people and influences that i shouldn't have had to. In my mind's eye, i was standing tall on the edge of a precipice - watching the roiling storm retreating from the dark gray shores that i overlooked. And i had a bloody nose, a black eye, and sore and aching muscles and bones that just wanted to plant themselves on the ground to move no more. But my will was holding this thing up: all of it... me, my family, my entire world had been mine to bear the burden of a whirlwind end to an otherwise great year. Holding on to my son, my little fledgeling family and indeed my very wit and sanity had practically torn my arms from my sockets from the maelstrom. But we had survived. We had endured. And now... i needed rest.
And what better place to rest than returning to the place which had nurtured me, molded me, and set me free... my first home and the family that accepted me and gave me strength. Surely they would allow me the safety and security to heal and rebuild, regroup, only to send me out again.
I'm a big believer in family. I come from a large one. Three older brothers that made sure i grew up tough and a built in best friend in my sister - we were close. We hadn't spoken in a long time - most of them are still back a few years technologically and are super busy with large batches of children of their own. But I'm going to brag for a moment here - all of us believe in big families, and we raise our kids to be closer than cousins, more like siblings who live in the house down the street. And i was eager to turn my son loose to grow and learn from them while i healed.
And they did not disappoint. Walking into that garage turned family room, i cradled my son in my arms. Honestly i was numb, having a 30 hour trip turn into a 40 hr one was enough to shut anyone down emotionally, but i had been shut down emotionally for a while before the trip. My sister Valari walked in first. Everyone was gathered. My husband Oli went in next to some surprised gasps. Then it was mine and my son's turn. And we were form tackled by excited nieces and nephews who were happy to see us and even happier to see their little cousin they hadn't seen since he was 6 mos old. I hugged as many as i could while Ewan cried and clung to me - he was overwhelmed by the onslaught of excitement and love! but in that moment, ewan's little mind decided it needed to jump to catch up. And from that moment on for the next two weeks, he was challenged, and i'm so proud to say he rose to the challenge and showed everyone just what he was capable of: surprising us all. Learning at a rapid pace. And being a child who had a voice, and understood that he had choices.
As for me, i hugged my siblings, then the really emotional time came to hug my mother and my father. They looked the same, somehow rejuvenated even though the years had passed. I was so happy, knowing our little surprise had made their night and possibly the best end to the year that they could imagine. They had no idea. I love giving happy surprises.
And i sat between them, answering questions and hearing excited chatter and laughter fill the room. And as all these sounds and feelings enveloped me, and my son gradually getting the courage to leave my arms that circled him protectively and venture forth, I felt my wounds healing. I felt life returning to my spirit. And i now wanted to lay myself down with a content smile, rather than in a collapsed heap. It still took me some time to feel that i was actually growing again and not just withstanding, but it was a start.
That is how family is supposed to feel. Some people dont' feel that with their actual blood relatives, but instead feel that with close friends or other loved ones. And that is just fine. Family loves you, never shuns you, and will always help you heal when you need it.
I'm a lucky gal. And my son... is the luckiest for having inherited from me such a loving network of people who will always be there for him. I'm so glad i and my husband were able to give him this time - even tho it was painfully short.
And when the time came to have to bid farewell, my brothers were first. One by one i hugged them all and their wives and children. There were so many. And each hug was like another tie that would bind us all together for years to come in happy memories. Then my sister. The last time i had to say bye she cried and i started to. This year we were stronger in our farewells, but i may have cried a little later when she was already gone. Then the time came to hug my parents goodbye.
That was at 5 in the morning - way too early for anything this somber. And i hugged my mother at least 3 times and my father too, silently hoping that it wouldn't be this long again between visits. All of us making promises to keep in touch, wishes for safe flights, etc etc. My tears flowed freely and often. I always hate this part. And i cried all the way to Houston.
In retrospect, this parting is necessary. I have been returned to my place in this world by my parents who knew and have always known that that was their purpose for each of their children. To cast them to the stars, but still hoping in their hearts that their grown children would land close by. And me? They cast me the furthest - i think already knowing that their part of the world was too small for their little girl. I had been given more strength than i knew what to do with, and i was going to make good use of it.
Until i would have need of some more :).
Love you all, Black Family of Lorena!
My Mom, me, Dad, Ewan
on our first night of the surprise visit
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